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and my 100th post, goes to you.
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my guitar
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(by Peter E. Lee)
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i’m not so confident today. about this.
i woke up emotional. i read your messages to make me smile. they did. big time. i scrolled hoping to find sweet things. i didn’t. i seen things i didn’t want to. it hurt. i’m not sure why it hurts now and it didn’t hurt before. i could just ignore it before. this is getting dangerous. this is becoming too much to deal with. too much to overlook. i don’t know. i can’t entertain anybody else. it’d amount to nothing because my mind always stray back to you. i wish this could be different. i know we could be perfect for each other, but the
distancehasn’t been perfect for us. -
If I want someone, they don’t want me. If someone wants me, I don’t want them. If we both want each other, they live in narnia or some shit.
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it was this moment that everything hit me. walking down Ocean drive, arms tied together. i felt …honored. to hold you. to be that woman you didn’t mind holding on to, while everybody on South Beach watched. you make me so happy. you mean so much to me. and though there are thousands of miles between us, i’ve never felt so close. this is only temporary. this, distance has never frightened me. but this distance is only another trial we will conquer. my friend, my love, a major point in my life, you are amazing.
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sweetheart,
i was stuck between doing too much, and not doing enough. when i left, i felt like i didn’t do enough. i didn’t show you enough. when i speak, i feel like i never say enough. and even now, though i plan on saying everything i’m feeling, it won’t be enough. it never is, for me. but you’ve never made me feel like i wasn’t enough. even at the times i was doing absolutely NOTHING with my life, you still made me feel like you could see the hope in me. til, this moment, you had no idea that you’re the only person who had an effect on me actually wanting to find the strength to change things. getting back in school and moving forward. i was bound. you pulled me through. that song will forever hit me hard. that song says everything i feel. i appreciate you now, for everything you were then. for everything you were from day one, to now. you shouldn’t hate that i’ve always made you smile, no matter who was there. because that reassures you that no matter WHO is here, i’ll always be there. somebody asked me today about you. it’s… funny. because most of the people in my life now, have no idea what it’s like for me to be with someone. i never take anyone seriously. yet today, when i explained how much you meant to me, and how i really did feel like you’re someone i’d be with, they were surprised. and i realized how surprised i was. and how long it’s been since i’ve been able to say that without any doubts. but when i think about it, i’ve never been able to say that without doubts, until now. most of the time i hold back a lot of things i want to say to you. i know everything is safe with you, and that scares me. you’ve watched me love someone with everything in me, and stood by me while it broke me down. you understand, and that holds depth. you’ve never taken advantage of my feelings. all of this makes you different. it puts you on a level nobody ever made it to. your happiness means so much to me. i honestly don’t care if that means you marrying someone else, even a man, and moving further away to a place where we only spoke once a month …i’d be happy if you were. i’d smile if you did. i’m not saying my happiness rely on yours, but your happiness triggers mine. it moves things inside of me, literally. i know you appreciate everything, the little things. but i don’t think you understand that this is all because i appreciate you. wholeheartedly. i don’t know how many times i’ve been in the worse mood ever, and you’ll call, without reason. and just hearing you say hello would put me at ease. i’ve never felt anything so pure. i need you to be happy. i’m not sure how anyone has ever passed you up, hurt you, any of that. it’s just hard for me to believe someone can’t see what i see. it’s hard for me to believe nobody has taken the time to try to see half of what i see. THAT, kills me. because even if it’s never me, i need someone to. i need someone to get you to believe you’re worth it all. i know you’re not all good. i know you snap sometimes and i know you get aggravated. i know your attitude shows and i know you have trust issues. i know you don’t believe in love and honestly, i don’t either. but i do believe in this. more than i ever have the word love. so, to hell with it. i know you’re scared. and i know it’s probably still hard to believe anyone can care about you this much. and though it’s been years, i know i still don’t KNOW you. but i’m taking the time to. i want to grow with you, continuously. in whatever form we’re meant to. so thank you. thank you for being there when i didn’t deserve it, and when i did. thank you for holding on when EVERYBODY let go. thank you for being a listening ear, a crying outlet. thank you for listening. it’s these things that make it so easy for me to feel with you. i have my issues but i’m no longer bitter about the things i’ve been through. when i look at you, when we speak, when i think about you, i feel like it really was all for this reason. and before anything, i thank you so much for just being my friend. that means more to me than anything in my life. because without that, my perception on everything, would continuously be jaded.
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34136.) I wish you would tell me how you feel about me. Cuz I’m crazy about you.
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I don’t think you have any idea just how much I fucking miss you.
(Source: subsinuous)
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• and you may notice that sometimes when we’ll hold hands, i’ll hold on too tight. it’s, simply because i want to remember your grasp.
